5:14am

At 5:14am i crawl back into bed and there he is telling me he loves me, half asleep.  what do i say?  here it is..."I am putting eye drops in, gosh"  (basically I am busy, don't tell me you love me right now) how sad, how very sad.  then, the tears start to pour as i realize i am in a poor state of i hurt and i am grumpy....then to anger as I realize i need to be sleeping right now and not crying. i am tired, very tired and i don't want to complain but find myself doing that - my neck hurts, my back is sore and achy, my eyes feel like someone is pouring acid in them if i wake up and try to open them, Allen is stressed, I have so much I would like to do, get done, clean and I am being a mean mom and not friendly wife - so there it is - then the deep hurts start to be uncovered and my cheeks and pillow begin to soak in the salty tears falling.

So what do I do - I remember to be thankful.  The lovely Ann Voskamp www.aholyexperience.com has reminded me of this.  The Lord has not let me go, He is cupping me in His hands even when i feel like i am falling.  Penelope crawls into bed.  I have fallen back asleep but I hear her steady feet and her snuggle up to me.  then bang, her head hits my face.  Hard.  and I cry like a child, the thoughts of my 5am wake up all rushing back and i just let my cry go - owe!  she is sorry, i know.  I say I forgive you and she starts to see my tears - her soft little chubby hands start to wipe away my tears and i remember this feeling - having someone (my mom) wipe the tears as i could let them go.  it felt good.  and as they started, penelope would say "oh oops, silly here comes another one, oops another, oh let me get that one...i almost wanted to crawl into her arms if i could and cry. but i am still the mom and have to behave like one. i am thankful again. swelled with gratitude for this moment and how my 3 year old loved me.  the same little one that came with a picked flower and told me God loves me so much and He is so happy. So happy - with just the most soft and gentle voice.  Yes, also the same little one that needs me to hold her when she gets out of sorts. just hold her to calm her.  I know that feeling.  Okay, so also the same little one that is taking her potty breaks outside like a dog and is often slow to obey.  she is still 3.  Then her and I went to feed the horses and I listened to this song on my phone - i love this song. no mistake this song came on. His perfect timing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-F6DGGF4Qs

Now for the important part....what we had for dinner...homemade empanadas with chicken, tomatoes and potatoes - made by sweet Judith - so nice to have someone else make dinner.  I came home and dinner was made.  fresh guacomole and chopped cilantro.  I made a simple green salad with sunflower seeds and sat with grace, hudson and penelope and finished the day with a good meal.  no tears from me. just joy for these 3 amazing people i get to be a mom to and my allen who will say "i love you" in his sleep or wake up just enough to tell me.  i love him too.
Penelope singing "Jesus Loves Me"

Francesca

sadness as i think about Francesca - my rhode island red - now gone! a hard day of doctor appointments, whining (not all by me ;) kids fighting, vet news that i was not expecting, one more egg she laid for me as we drove to the vet, then, hope gone, hard decisions, yelling at my children, taking the low, low road, crying....and at the end of it all...we made nachos and it all seemed better, calm, in place...together.  We worked it out (at least for a bit)  I was blessed with their sweet notes, apologies and forgiveness that i am so unworthy of.  thank you Lord for them. for their hearts.  and for nachos - bubbly cheese over big crispy chips - some with burnt edges - big pan and 6 little fingers diving in with smiles.

Release the Lumps ;)

All of a sudden i am so very aware of the lump in my throat , thankfully not a palpable lump, but one probably of stress and emotion.  just sitting and waiting to be released.  I take it in all week - go, go, go.  worry, worry, worry.  I just looked up as i sit in this cafe and the smell of warm toast, bacon and syrup remind me of childhood and i feel that lump loosen and my eyes feel wet.  there is a peaceful reminder behind that smell - slow down, remember, breathe!
I want to be free of this grip at my core and the lump in my throat - a physical feeling behind such deep emotions - I am completely dependent on Him and yet I forget that ALL the time and forget His peace.  But right now, I remember it and smile as I feel the gentle nudge to take that breathe and let the lumps go ;)

Thank you for this day Lord and all that you have for me in it.  A picnic with Hudson, friends and so much hope.

he...and I

he lays on my  legs in the sunlit part of the couch.  he has a gentle 5 year old voice. he asks. he plays with my face. he laughs. he wonders. he clasps his hands so cuddly together and watches.  he watches me. he watches the TV. he relaxes into the pillows.  and...I , I can't help but stare at him in wonder - how grateful i am that i am here with him. that i can feel the weight of all of his being on me.  i hold him.  i never want to let go.  ever.
I feel the weight of so much hope that i don't pass on my "stuff" that i loathe to my little ones.  that i am able to teach him all he needs to learn to be the man the Lord has intended him to be.  to treat him with all patience and kindness that I could ever imagine.  that he grows to be what he needs to be in the short time i get him.  how truly blessed i am to know him.

These days i hold dear - the ones of he .... and I.

Some things i love

...besides my family, friends and the Lord, good bread and cheese with a simple salad, a pretty walk, my bed and pillows (esp. with a good book or cookbook), the mouth of a horse and a bloodhound, warming my feet on someone's warm legs, early morning cuddles with my children, traveling to a new place, my husband's hugs, a carefree heart, soup and a movie on a cold day....besides all these - I love these things I recently bought.
Word press labels from my favorite online stationary store Felix Doolittle
you can customize them and use them for gifts, cards....
www.felixdoolittle.com

they come wrapped oh so adorably...

and these my sweet friend and i found at a cute old fashioned toy store in san francisco called paxton gate - valencia blvd between 18th-20th st.  you plant each little matchstick which has a seed in it - I bought for my children - wildflowers and herbs...

tomorrow - no school - we shall plant!

and how can i not blog about my beloved bakery in san francisco - Tartine - one of the things i definitely do love.  I brought a loaf home on the plane and recreated their croque monsieurs - yum!

                                       my favorite is the shiitake mushroom croque monsieur
                                                         melty, gooiness with a crispy crust

oh so good - tartine bread, a bechemel sauce (flour, milk, salt, pepper and nutmeg), shiitake mushrooms, sundried tomatoes and swiss/gruyere cheese!
Not a bad meal - meets all my favorites,

expectations - what?

I am not going to be apologetic to myself for not keeping up with my blog - nope, not me.

Just was walking from the barn up front and looking around the yard - the quiet in the air is relaxing me and I start to think about the scotty mcreary song i just heard in Hunny's car - a mom is telling the kids to wash their hands and faces for dinner and use inside voices, clean up the clothes on the floor, and close the doors quietly...then mom prays before they eat and thanks the Lord for slamming doors that remind her they are ALIVE, a hard working husband and dishes in the sink that remind her of money her husband is able to earn and food they are able to buy, kid's loud voices for their health and joy...oh and the song just makes me smile being thankful for so much when I have felt hard and pitiful this weekend.
Expectations of things I would like to get DONE, really I want to control something so i can feel better about chaos and time flying by and going Way to fast.   I lighten up when I can see the big picture.  Perspective.

As I write this I hear Hudson and Grace giggling and playing and i start to cringe as the volume goes up because i don't want Pea Olive to wake (control the holy spirit whispers gently) It's ok - relax.  Enjoy these giggles - right!  And there is that voice that haunts me many days and makes me feel fear ... "soon these days will be gone...enjoy it while it lasts" and then I feel panicky and want to cry... just read a great blog entry about this http://momastery.com/blog/?s=don%27t+carpe+diem&searchsubmit=

I think control and expectations are really 2 things i want to be aware of - I find myself weepy and frustrated when I lose control (I fall and hurt my neck, house is a disaster, kids get sick, they eat off the floor at a pizza parlor, projects piled up, expectations of what I want for my family, blah, blah, ahhhh).
If only i could keep perspective on what is most important - being thankful for it all - good and hard parts - and enjoy this breath i can take right now without sickness, the sun on me while i sit on this couch, the quiet of today and my napping husband next to me.  He has his priorities straight ;)  i think i will join him.