my house is a mess and i am completely ok with the dishes piled in the sink, the toys on the floor, the couch pillows on the floor...i am quiet, i feel the lord close and i have overwhelming tears for Him - his closeness now to me, how he is so gentle with me and so present now.  Thank you Lord! How he gives me these places to be with Him, these times - this quiet.  As doubt creeps in - I push it away - I soak in this and breathe in and out with gratitude.  I love this day.  I am grateful for it and look forward to what is planned for me - I can't wait to go with my best girlfriends for a horseback ride - thank you Lord for them, for the fun you give.  

Fall

the chill in the air yesterday made me so happy!  I felt a newness coming, a change - a good one, and realized FALL is coming.  The pumpkins at trader joe's, the fall songs this morning on the kids cartoons, the cool air - all a happy reminder of what I love about fall - cozy homes, fireplaces on, beouf bourginon on the stove - a big pot of it, the warm cooking smells of soups, pies, cookies - Home!  I feel with this Fall comes a lifting of so much weight and chaos - and I welcome it like nothing else.  While I was driving yesterday I could not help but think I am thankful for the chaos and what it has taught me, and the tough stuff - I know it has made me stronger and continues to.  

*Yeah for FAll, for this day - I sit here with full assurance that my baby is playing responsibly by herself in the other room unsupervised - oh, here she comes, here comes the day!

Peaches and Prosciutto

What is better than some quiet and a glass of wine with a little appy - toasted some flax seed ciabatta, poured some olive oil atop, sliced peaches and then a thin slice of prosciutto - wow!  listening to dave matthews "crash" and happy.  here come the kids with their boots full of horse and dinner needs to be finished - guess my moment is ending...for now :)

I felt defeated this morning - anger, frustration - all seeping out of me as I felt defeated.  I was nursing while sporting a baseball mit in one hand trying to play with hudson all while trying to read grace fancy nancy - multi tasking yet feeling so pulled (no pun intended) in so many directions.  As I dropped my two off at school I was ALONE in my car - peace and freedom overwhelmed me as I drove along the pretty street with that one house that makes you stare and daydream it was yours.  As I drove along the smell of fresh cut grass filled me and made all my insides smile :)  then in Cest Si Bon buying some pastries and coffee and a lady in front of me speaking german - oh it soothed me - it flooded me with memories of mommy and being in Europe, going to the bakery - calm, peace, smiling again on the inside - I know that is where I get filled at the core - I thank God for these little gifts this morning - it gave me a glimpse to what could be my future.  As I realized my kids would all be in school one day I thought I don't want to rush this time, it has it's precious moments and these are the ones I want to soak in - not the defeated feelings.  He will not let me be defeated.  AMEN.

Too many choices

So here is my first "blog."  I have been wanting to write for a long time and thought "I don't have time for this" but throughout the day I think how cathartic it would be to just write - nobody needs to read it, it just feels good and fun to write.  I will probably not punctuate or spell right but who cares - not me - not now - not for this purpose!

So it is overwhelmed I feel - by choices, decisions - something very common for me and it is heightened now by silly things like clothes shopping for kids - too many choices!  Even as I started writing I saw I could choose from over 20+ colors to write this in - a little raise in my blood pressure - oh yes, I know, I am a little crazy.

Baby is fussing, balls are coming down the hallway and the dog is hungry - that was just enough time  - I do have time for this!