5:14am

At 5:14am i crawl back into bed and there he is telling me he loves me, half asleep.  what do i say?  here it is..."I am putting eye drops in, gosh"  (basically I am busy, don't tell me you love me right now) how sad, how very sad.  then, the tears start to pour as i realize i am in a poor state of i hurt and i am grumpy....then to anger as I realize i need to be sleeping right now and not crying. i am tired, very tired and i don't want to complain but find myself doing that - my neck hurts, my back is sore and achy, my eyes feel like someone is pouring acid in them if i wake up and try to open them, Allen is stressed, I have so much I would like to do, get done, clean and I am being a mean mom and not friendly wife - so there it is - then the deep hurts start to be uncovered and my cheeks and pillow begin to soak in the salty tears falling.

So what do I do - I remember to be thankful.  The lovely Ann Voskamp www.aholyexperience.com has reminded me of this.  The Lord has not let me go, He is cupping me in His hands even when i feel like i am falling.  Penelope crawls into bed.  I have fallen back asleep but I hear her steady feet and her snuggle up to me.  then bang, her head hits my face.  Hard.  and I cry like a child, the thoughts of my 5am wake up all rushing back and i just let my cry go - owe!  she is sorry, i know.  I say I forgive you and she starts to see my tears - her soft little chubby hands start to wipe away my tears and i remember this feeling - having someone (my mom) wipe the tears as i could let them go.  it felt good.  and as they started, penelope would say "oh oops, silly here comes another one, oops another, oh let me get that one...i almost wanted to crawl into her arms if i could and cry. but i am still the mom and have to behave like one. i am thankful again. swelled with gratitude for this moment and how my 3 year old loved me.  the same little one that came with a picked flower and told me God loves me so much and He is so happy. So happy - with just the most soft and gentle voice.  Yes, also the same little one that needs me to hold her when she gets out of sorts. just hold her to calm her.  I know that feeling.  Okay, so also the same little one that is taking her potty breaks outside like a dog and is often slow to obey.  she is still 3.  Then her and I went to feed the horses and I listened to this song on my phone - i love this song. no mistake this song came on. His perfect timing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-F6DGGF4Qs

Now for the important part....what we had for dinner...homemade empanadas with chicken, tomatoes and potatoes - made by sweet Judith - so nice to have someone else make dinner.  I came home and dinner was made.  fresh guacomole and chopped cilantro.  I made a simple green salad with sunflower seeds and sat with grace, hudson and penelope and finished the day with a good meal.  no tears from me. just joy for these 3 amazing people i get to be a mom to and my allen who will say "i love you" in his sleep or wake up just enough to tell me.  i love him too.
Penelope singing "Jesus Loves Me"

Francesca

sadness as i think about Francesca - my rhode island red - now gone! a hard day of doctor appointments, whining (not all by me ;) kids fighting, vet news that i was not expecting, one more egg she laid for me as we drove to the vet, then, hope gone, hard decisions, yelling at my children, taking the low, low road, crying....and at the end of it all...we made nachos and it all seemed better, calm, in place...together.  We worked it out (at least for a bit)  I was blessed with their sweet notes, apologies and forgiveness that i am so unworthy of.  thank you Lord for them. for their hearts.  and for nachos - bubbly cheese over big crispy chips - some with burnt edges - big pan and 6 little fingers diving in with smiles.