Release the Lumps ;)

All of a sudden i am so very aware of the lump in my throat , thankfully not a palpable lump, but one probably of stress and emotion.  just sitting and waiting to be released.  I take it in all week - go, go, go.  worry, worry, worry.  I just looked up as i sit in this cafe and the smell of warm toast, bacon and syrup remind me of childhood and i feel that lump loosen and my eyes feel wet.  there is a peaceful reminder behind that smell - slow down, remember, breathe!
I want to be free of this grip at my core and the lump in my throat - a physical feeling behind such deep emotions - I am completely dependent on Him and yet I forget that ALL the time and forget His peace.  But right now, I remember it and smile as I feel the gentle nudge to take that breathe and let the lumps go ;)

Thank you for this day Lord and all that you have for me in it.  A picnic with Hudson, friends and so much hope.

he...and I

he lays on my  legs in the sunlit part of the couch.  he has a gentle 5 year old voice. he asks. he plays with my face. he laughs. he wonders. he clasps his hands so cuddly together and watches.  he watches me. he watches the TV. he relaxes into the pillows.  and...I , I can't help but stare at him in wonder - how grateful i am that i am here with him. that i can feel the weight of all of his being on me.  i hold him.  i never want to let go.  ever.
I feel the weight of so much hope that i don't pass on my "stuff" that i loathe to my little ones.  that i am able to teach him all he needs to learn to be the man the Lord has intended him to be.  to treat him with all patience and kindness that I could ever imagine.  that he grows to be what he needs to be in the short time i get him.  how truly blessed i am to know him.

These days i hold dear - the ones of he .... and I.

Some things i love

...besides my family, friends and the Lord, good bread and cheese with a simple salad, a pretty walk, my bed and pillows (esp. with a good book or cookbook), the mouth of a horse and a bloodhound, warming my feet on someone's warm legs, early morning cuddles with my children, traveling to a new place, my husband's hugs, a carefree heart, soup and a movie on a cold day....besides all these - I love these things I recently bought.
Word press labels from my favorite online stationary store Felix Doolittle
you can customize them and use them for gifts, cards....
www.felixdoolittle.com

they come wrapped oh so adorably...

and these my sweet friend and i found at a cute old fashioned toy store in san francisco called paxton gate - valencia blvd between 18th-20th st.  you plant each little matchstick which has a seed in it - I bought for my children - wildflowers and herbs...

tomorrow - no school - we shall plant!

and how can i not blog about my beloved bakery in san francisco - Tartine - one of the things i definitely do love.  I brought a loaf home on the plane and recreated their croque monsieurs - yum!

                                       my favorite is the shiitake mushroom croque monsieur
                                                         melty, gooiness with a crispy crust

oh so good - tartine bread, a bechemel sauce (flour, milk, salt, pepper and nutmeg), shiitake mushrooms, sundried tomatoes and swiss/gruyere cheese!
Not a bad meal - meets all my favorites,

expectations - what?

I am not going to be apologetic to myself for not keeping up with my blog - nope, not me.

Just was walking from the barn up front and looking around the yard - the quiet in the air is relaxing me and I start to think about the scotty mcreary song i just heard in Hunny's car - a mom is telling the kids to wash their hands and faces for dinner and use inside voices, clean up the clothes on the floor, and close the doors quietly...then mom prays before they eat and thanks the Lord for slamming doors that remind her they are ALIVE, a hard working husband and dishes in the sink that remind her of money her husband is able to earn and food they are able to buy, kid's loud voices for their health and joy...oh and the song just makes me smile being thankful for so much when I have felt hard and pitiful this weekend.
Expectations of things I would like to get DONE, really I want to control something so i can feel better about chaos and time flying by and going Way to fast.   I lighten up when I can see the big picture.  Perspective.

As I write this I hear Hudson and Grace giggling and playing and i start to cringe as the volume goes up because i don't want Pea Olive to wake (control the holy spirit whispers gently) It's ok - relax.  Enjoy these giggles - right!  And there is that voice that haunts me many days and makes me feel fear ... "soon these days will be gone...enjoy it while it lasts" and then I feel panicky and want to cry... just read a great blog entry about this http://momastery.com/blog/?s=don%27t+carpe+diem&searchsubmit=

I think control and expectations are really 2 things i want to be aware of - I find myself weepy and frustrated when I lose control (I fall and hurt my neck, house is a disaster, kids get sick, they eat off the floor at a pizza parlor, projects piled up, expectations of what I want for my family, blah, blah, ahhhh).
If only i could keep perspective on what is most important - being thankful for it all - good and hard parts - and enjoy this breath i can take right now without sickness, the sun on me while i sit on this couch, the quiet of today and my napping husband next to me.  He has his priorities straight ;)  i think i will join him.

on the coach

do you ever sit on the coach and find yourself crying or wanting to - at commercials mainly which may prompt thoughts of how much I love my children, my family, how I don't want them to grow up and leave (I do of course but dread the pain of missing them), I miss my sisters, my mom...I am at this point tonight.  Who am I talking to right now and asking this question - laughing at myself - because really I am just writing to me ;)
Just felt like writing - Allen is at "man night" and I am here - on this coach - crying - crying all the overdue tears and stresses of the day.  Feels good to let it out with my rooibos bourbon vanilla tea and chocolate chip orange scone - and I thought I was not  going to write about food in this entry - but really tears and comfort food go together - it had to be mentioned.  So - I don't usually like orange and chocolate together - orange flavored anything really - but this is REALLY good and it works. My friend Joyce made them - I have not yet made them - but now I will.  Will write the recipe out when I do.
Oh gosh - here comes another commercial - a boy with his backpack on, saying goodbye to his mom...here come the tears again.

Ode to Levain Bakery in NYC

 Us eating Sesame Street Style NYC

New York City - one of my favorite cities - makes me feel alive.  2 weeks ago my mother in law and sister in law took off for 5 days of so much fun.  One of our stops was Levain Bakery in the upper west side of the city.   My friend told me "if you like cookies, you must go here"  So off we went - our pilgrimage to yet another bakery.  The thick cookies were right up my alley!  Dougnut Plant was pretty darn amazing too.

Dougnut Plant - We ordered 6-7 between the three of us 

So here it is, a rainy day, a day for baking.  I tried to get some levain-thickness in my cookies - and this is what I came up with.  They are pretty good!  I used cinnamon chips and oatmeal.  Still want them thicker though.

Oatmeal Walnut Cookies - attempt at Levain Bakery cookies ;)

 

1 cup butter, softened

1 1/2 cups brown sugar

2 eggs, room temperature

*cream together until thickened and fluffy

*add

2 1/2 cups unbleached flour

1 cup oatmeal

1/2-3/4 cup whole wheat flour

1 tbsp baking powder

1 tsp baking soda

pinch of salt

2 tsp vanilla

1 tbsp cornstarch

*blend in mixer

*add

2 cups walnuts

1 bag of cinnamon chips

*mix again and referigerate for 1/2 hour

Bake at 385F for 10-12 minutes, ping pong shape balls

breaded chicken and broccoli

din din dinner

breaded chicken with bread crumbs and parmesan cheese. finished with sautéed mushrooms and wine and topped with fontina cheese - bubbly, melty.
Steamed broccoli with olive and sea salt