"Hudson, did you get your retainer?" Yelling as we left Hunny's house.  Did I just ask that question?  This brand spankin new 40 year old?  It hit me just then that time is a moving. quicker than i can hold it. hug it. sit for long and read a book in it.  Hudson is 9 years old.  God bless as my BFF Jen Hatmaker would say ;)  (In my world she is my BFF).  Am I really a mom of a son who wears a retainer? A daughter who shares shoes with me and a little one who snuggles me like nobody can? Yes! and thank you Lord.  And wait a minute - am I really 40?  Yes.  These posts are growing far and few between because  once again the time snatcher is in full effect.  Who has time to write on her blog?  I can barely answer emails and texts and keep up with laundry.  I would really like to know how people do it.  and when.
One day I hope to bind up all these entries and give to my children...so treasures - here we are, living in the studio, counting days to move back in to the house, wearing beanie caps to bed because it is f r e e z i n g.  no more ants and mice living with us though.  yay!  sharing the bathroom/laundry room.  Poo pourri working wonders.  Homeschooling at the kitchen table with books everywhere.  Turning on the oven not to cook but to heat.  These are the days we will remember.  really.  I treasure them.  I treasure my family who keeps me on my toes. keeps me Me. reminds me there is nothing more important than right now and being present.  finding rest.
This is what I am talking about.  Penelope - you love to throw parties - for any occasion.  Every time we go to the grocery store, we pull in the parking lot and I hear "Oh ya I have to buy things for my party."  God love you!  This was our party last night...under the blankets.  Included Lip Sync (P: Justin Bieber "what do you mean" H: Taylor Swift "wildest dreams" M: Adele "hello"- I rocked it, we all did.)  Then, a few games of cards.  Many snacks. and bedtime.  Grace was too cool for school doing her cupcake website (G byrd, you are amazing!) I love you all. more. than. you. know.

the house is quiet.  marinara sauce on the stove bubbling away.  apricot raspberry crisp waiting its blanket of buttery oatmeal and flour....and so i sat for a moment and thought could i really write on my blog?  too much time has passed yet the thought of writing made my heart beat just that much quicker.  so here i am.  longing for some kind of organized home as it feels like chaos has entered in.  Her first name (*we thinK*) Lady - the long version - Lady Lola Dutchess of Georgia Powell.  Her name is yet to be figured out.  but for now, Lady.  i love her yet am tired.  did i really just add another thing to my already heaping plate?  yes.  it is amazing how we think we are busy until we have another thing added on and realize - wow, i had it pretty easy just a few days ago.

So here is to writing again.  to puppy great dane's named Lady or?  to summer here. to deep exhales.  to being in the kitchen.  to feeling pretty even though i may appear haggard and dull.  to being ok with a messy house sometimes. to not having it all under control.  to sleeping in past 6:30am.  to my kids feeding the horses and chickens in the am. to my daughter asking me to come play with her as her servant.  to loads of hugs from husbands and children.  to being alone in my kitchen smelling marinara and baking an apricot raspberry crisp!

5:14am

At 5:14am i crawl back into bed and there he is telling me he loves me, half asleep.  what do i say?  here it is..."I am putting eye drops in, gosh"  (basically I am busy, don't tell me you love me right now) how sad, how very sad.  then, the tears start to pour as i realize i am in a poor state of i hurt and i am grumpy....then to anger as I realize i need to be sleeping right now and not crying. i am tired, very tired and i don't want to complain but find myself doing that - my neck hurts, my back is sore and achy, my eyes feel like someone is pouring acid in them if i wake up and try to open them, Allen is stressed, I have so much I would like to do, get done, clean and I am being a mean mom and not friendly wife - so there it is - then the deep hurts start to be uncovered and my cheeks and pillow begin to soak in the salty tears falling.

So what do I do - I remember to be thankful.  The lovely Ann Voskamp www.aholyexperience.com has reminded me of this.  The Lord has not let me go, He is cupping me in His hands even when i feel like i am falling.  Penelope crawls into bed.  I have fallen back asleep but I hear her steady feet and her snuggle up to me.  then bang, her head hits my face.  Hard.  and I cry like a child, the thoughts of my 5am wake up all rushing back and i just let my cry go - owe!  she is sorry, i know.  I say I forgive you and she starts to see my tears - her soft little chubby hands start to wipe away my tears and i remember this feeling - having someone (my mom) wipe the tears as i could let them go.  it felt good.  and as they started, penelope would say "oh oops, silly here comes another one, oops another, oh let me get that one...i almost wanted to crawl into her arms if i could and cry. but i am still the mom and have to behave like one. i am thankful again. swelled with gratitude for this moment and how my 3 year old loved me.  the same little one that came with a picked flower and told me God loves me so much and He is so happy. So happy - with just the most soft and gentle voice.  Yes, also the same little one that needs me to hold her when she gets out of sorts. just hold her to calm her.  I know that feeling.  Okay, so also the same little one that is taking her potty breaks outside like a dog and is often slow to obey.  she is still 3.  Then her and I went to feed the horses and I listened to this song on my phone - i love this song. no mistake this song came on. His perfect timing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-F6DGGF4Qs

Now for the important part....what we had for dinner...homemade empanadas with chicken, tomatoes and potatoes - made by sweet Judith - so nice to have someone else make dinner.  I came home and dinner was made.  fresh guacomole and chopped cilantro.  I made a simple green salad with sunflower seeds and sat with grace, hudson and penelope and finished the day with a good meal.  no tears from me. just joy for these 3 amazing people i get to be a mom to and my allen who will say "i love you" in his sleep or wake up just enough to tell me.  i love him too.
Penelope singing "Jesus Loves Me"

Francesca

sadness as i think about Francesca - my rhode island red - now gone! a hard day of doctor appointments, whining (not all by me ;) kids fighting, vet news that i was not expecting, one more egg she laid for me as we drove to the vet, then, hope gone, hard decisions, yelling at my children, taking the low, low road, crying....and at the end of it all...we made nachos and it all seemed better, calm, in place...together.  We worked it out (at least for a bit)  I was blessed with their sweet notes, apologies and forgiveness that i am so unworthy of.  thank you Lord for them. for their hearts.  and for nachos - bubbly cheese over big crispy chips - some with burnt edges - big pan and 6 little fingers diving in with smiles.

Release the Lumps ;)

All of a sudden i am so very aware of the lump in my throat , thankfully not a palpable lump, but one probably of stress and emotion.  just sitting and waiting to be released.  I take it in all week - go, go, go.  worry, worry, worry.  I just looked up as i sit in this cafe and the smell of warm toast, bacon and syrup remind me of childhood and i feel that lump loosen and my eyes feel wet.  there is a peaceful reminder behind that smell - slow down, remember, breathe!
I want to be free of this grip at my core and the lump in my throat - a physical feeling behind such deep emotions - I am completely dependent on Him and yet I forget that ALL the time and forget His peace.  But right now, I remember it and smile as I feel the gentle nudge to take that breathe and let the lumps go ;)

Thank you for this day Lord and all that you have for me in it.  A picnic with Hudson, friends and so much hope.

he...and I

he lays on my  legs in the sunlit part of the couch.  he has a gentle 5 year old voice. he asks. he plays with my face. he laughs. he wonders. he clasps his hands so cuddly together and watches.  he watches me. he watches the TV. he relaxes into the pillows.  and...I , I can't help but stare at him in wonder - how grateful i am that i am here with him. that i can feel the weight of all of his being on me.  i hold him.  i never want to let go.  ever.
I feel the weight of so much hope that i don't pass on my "stuff" that i loathe to my little ones.  that i am able to teach him all he needs to learn to be the man the Lord has intended him to be.  to treat him with all patience and kindness that I could ever imagine.  that he grows to be what he needs to be in the short time i get him.  how truly blessed i am to know him.

These days i hold dear - the ones of he .... and I.

Some things i love

...besides my family, friends and the Lord, good bread and cheese with a simple salad, a pretty walk, my bed and pillows (esp. with a good book or cookbook), the mouth of a horse and a bloodhound, warming my feet on someone's warm legs, early morning cuddles with my children, traveling to a new place, my husband's hugs, a carefree heart, soup and a movie on a cold day....besides all these - I love these things I recently bought.
Word press labels from my favorite online stationary store Felix Doolittle
you can customize them and use them for gifts, cards....
www.felixdoolittle.com

they come wrapped oh so adorably...

and these my sweet friend and i found at a cute old fashioned toy store in san francisco called paxton gate - valencia blvd between 18th-20th st.  you plant each little matchstick which has a seed in it - I bought for my children - wildflowers and herbs...

tomorrow - no school - we shall plant!

and how can i not blog about my beloved bakery in san francisco - Tartine - one of the things i definitely do love.  I brought a loaf home on the plane and recreated their croque monsieurs - yum!

                                       my favorite is the shiitake mushroom croque monsieur
                                                         melty, gooiness with a crispy crust

oh so good - tartine bread, a bechemel sauce (flour, milk, salt, pepper and nutmeg), shiitake mushrooms, sundried tomatoes and swiss/gruyere cheese!
Not a bad meal - meets all my favorites,

expectations - what?

I am not going to be apologetic to myself for not keeping up with my blog - nope, not me.

Just was walking from the barn up front and looking around the yard - the quiet in the air is relaxing me and I start to think about the scotty mcreary song i just heard in Hunny's car - a mom is telling the kids to wash their hands and faces for dinner and use inside voices, clean up the clothes on the floor, and close the doors quietly...then mom prays before they eat and thanks the Lord for slamming doors that remind her they are ALIVE, a hard working husband and dishes in the sink that remind her of money her husband is able to earn and food they are able to buy, kid's loud voices for their health and joy...oh and the song just makes me smile being thankful for so much when I have felt hard and pitiful this weekend.
Expectations of things I would like to get DONE, really I want to control something so i can feel better about chaos and time flying by and going Way to fast.   I lighten up when I can see the big picture.  Perspective.

As I write this I hear Hudson and Grace giggling and playing and i start to cringe as the volume goes up because i don't want Pea Olive to wake (control the holy spirit whispers gently) It's ok - relax.  Enjoy these giggles - right!  And there is that voice that haunts me many days and makes me feel fear ... "soon these days will be gone...enjoy it while it lasts" and then I feel panicky and want to cry... just read a great blog entry about this http://momastery.com/blog/?s=don%27t+carpe+diem&searchsubmit=

I think control and expectations are really 2 things i want to be aware of - I find myself weepy and frustrated when I lose control (I fall and hurt my neck, house is a disaster, kids get sick, they eat off the floor at a pizza parlor, projects piled up, expectations of what I want for my family, blah, blah, ahhhh).
If only i could keep perspective on what is most important - being thankful for it all - good and hard parts - and enjoy this breath i can take right now without sickness, the sun on me while i sit on this couch, the quiet of today and my napping husband next to me.  He has his priorities straight ;)  i think i will join him.

on the coach

do you ever sit on the coach and find yourself crying or wanting to - at commercials mainly which may prompt thoughts of how much I love my children, my family, how I don't want them to grow up and leave (I do of course but dread the pain of missing them), I miss my sisters, my mom...I am at this point tonight.  Who am I talking to right now and asking this question - laughing at myself - because really I am just writing to me ;)
Just felt like writing - Allen is at "man night" and I am here - on this coach - crying - crying all the overdue tears and stresses of the day.  Feels good to let it out with my rooibos bourbon vanilla tea and chocolate chip orange scone - and I thought I was not  going to write about food in this entry - but really tears and comfort food go together - it had to be mentioned.  So - I don't usually like orange and chocolate together - orange flavored anything really - but this is REALLY good and it works. My friend Joyce made them - I have not yet made them - but now I will.  Will write the recipe out when I do.
Oh gosh - here comes another commercial - a boy with his backpack on, saying goodbye to his mom...here come the tears again.

Ode to Levain Bakery in NYC

 Us eating Sesame Street Style NYC

New York City - one of my favorite cities - makes me feel alive.  2 weeks ago my mother in law and sister in law took off for 5 days of so much fun.  One of our stops was Levain Bakery in the upper west side of the city.   My friend told me "if you like cookies, you must go here"  So off we went - our pilgrimage to yet another bakery.  The thick cookies were right up my alley!  Dougnut Plant was pretty darn amazing too.

Dougnut Plant - We ordered 6-7 between the three of us 

So here it is, a rainy day, a day for baking.  I tried to get some levain-thickness in my cookies - and this is what I came up with.  They are pretty good!  I used cinnamon chips and oatmeal.  Still want them thicker though.

Oatmeal Walnut Cookies - attempt at Levain Bakery cookies ;)

 

1 cup butter, softened

1 1/2 cups brown sugar

2 eggs, room temperature

*cream together until thickened and fluffy

*add

2 1/2 cups unbleached flour

1 cup oatmeal

1/2-3/4 cup whole wheat flour

1 tbsp baking powder

1 tsp baking soda

pinch of salt

2 tsp vanilla

1 tbsp cornstarch

*blend in mixer

*add

2 cups walnuts

1 bag of cinnamon chips

*mix again and referigerate for 1/2 hour

Bake at 385F for 10-12 minutes, ping pong shape balls

breaded chicken and broccoli

din din dinner

breaded chicken with bread crumbs and parmesan cheese. finished with sautéed mushrooms and wine and topped with fontina cheese - bubbly, melty.
Steamed broccoli with olive and sea salt

Corn and Shrimp

Roasted Shrimp and Fresh Corn with an olive oil, butter, lemon, wine and garlic sauce poured all over the top - fresh parsley never hurts...best part was ... well it was all good but I did love getting all the extra sauce on my toasty bread.  YUM.
I had some figs and decided to roast them as well - drizzled a bit of coconut oil and brown sugar and let them do their thing for about 20 min... really good actually.

we ate with fresh berries and whip cream again.
good night.

what did you have for dinner?

so this may have been a previous post but was reminded by a friend to just do it!
whenever my sisters and I would talk on the phone (especially xenia and I) our first questions were "what did you have for dinner?"  i laugh as I think about it because it is just i guess sort of a funny question to those around me.  but not for us.  I love to hear about meals.  It also gives me good ideas when I am in a rut.
so i am going to do this on my blog - nothing long or drawn out - this blog hardly gets my attention as it is -  maybe pictures, no pictures...who knows - not me.  Part of the fun is recording the many odd and quirky meals we end up eating to the pretty darn good ones. The best meals sometimes come from having very little at all and trying to make something yummy - sometimes not though.
drumrolll...........tonight's dinner - allen was at a meeting and this is what I came up with.

Chicken Salad Melt (mayo, lemon, celery, scallions, salt and pepper) on whole wheat bread/american cheese melty atop.  Strawberries and blackberries and whip cream.

Done!

Buttermilk

For some reason, I always want buttermilk in my refrigerator.  Probably because it is an ingredient in so many things that I love - chocolate cake and pancakes.  So I will keep it stocked and try and find new ways to use it.  I just tried blue cheese dressing - need a better recipe, too liquidy. and then i use it in place of milk in many recipes, like Trader Joe's corn bread (the best box cornbread ever!)  I have memories of me and lizabet making a pan of it in our single days and then eating the whole dish before we went out on the town.  I love her so much.
I love the sound of butter in milk though - Definitely not to drink - yuck! but to make everything more tender and yummy.
So here I make oatmeal pancakes - delicious

recipe (williams-sonoma entertaining):
1 cup all purpose flour
1/2 cup cake flour
1/2 cup quick-cooking rolled oats
3 tbsp sugar
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
2 large eggs
2 1/2 cups buttermilk
5 tbsp unsalted butter, melted, plus more for cooking
*fresh strawberries and salty pecans for topping*

Whisk together flour, oats, sugar baking powder, baking soda, and salt.  In a separate bowl, whisk together the eggs, buttermilk, and 5 tbsp melted utter until well combined.  Add the egg mixture to the dry ingredients and whisk until combined.  Let the batter rest at room temperature for 10 minutes.
Cook pancakes a few minutes on each side and serve with lots of butter, maple syrup, strawberries and salty roasted pecans ;)
Here's to BUTtERmiLK!!!!

A butter knife

you know you are having a hard day when it all comes down to letting your 2 year old play with a knife and cut carpet and then savagely (embarrassingly) try and yell at her monkey with a knife (NO i do not yell at my kids with a knife)  Ok fine, you can play with a butter knife.  What was i thinking!!!  I guess I wasn't doing much of sane thinking at this moment.

There are days when I have nothing else in me to be an adult and teach/discipline my kids - thank the good Lord that He steps in.  I love the verse "He gently guides those that are with the young."

Macadamia nuts - rustic style

oh what fun to crack macadamia nuts with a brick and a rock - who knew! and kept the wee ones busy for a long, long time. we found these at the ojai farmers market - sold by "papa bono" they call him.  if you ever need to feel like you are gathering and eating your food rustic style - using a rock to get into it - or just need to let some aggression out - DO THIS!

Yeast and Butter - oh the smell

I loved this day - we StAyED home - and had time to do things like bake bread.  I have always wanted to bake bread and this recipe seemed doable with hudson and p. olive running around AND I had all the ingredients.  So I did it!  The recipe comes from smitten kitchen http://smittenkitchen.com/2011/03/sally-lunn-bread-honeyed-brown-butter-spread/

It came out perfect - hot and that buttery yeast smell - and a deep yellow which i am guessing is from my chickens orange yolky eggs.  We sliced into it, put salty butter on it and ate until we were through almost the whole loaf.  I was disciplined enough to save a bit for Friday farm to feast - to share the love of this loaf ;)

After eating a few slices, I decided to go all out and soft boil an egg (it came out hard ;( ) and make a beautiful plate with strawberries, bread and this egg.

Valentines Cookies

 Years ago my best friend from high school, serena, would come over and we would bake and decorate sugar cookies - i think it started with halloween and then valentines.  We did this for a couple years.  Our friendship began with food and still remains around food ;)  "My mom just made a pot of beans, do you want to come over?"  It was back in 1990, Agoura Hills.  We were friends instantly.
It has been 5 years since we have seen each other and what brings us together again are cookies!  We spent the day baking and decorating with Grace.  So fun.  It felt like no time had passed.

Next cookie day?  St. Patricks?

xox

These cookies are my favorite sugar cookie recipe - cut them thick - they make a lot!

Sugar Cookies

2 1/4 shortening

2 cups white sugar

1 cup brown sugar

6 eggs

1 1/2 tsp vanilla

*blend with an electric mixer fitted with a paddle attachment 

*fold in the following and handle like bread dough

7 cups unbleached flour

3 tsp baking powder

2-3tsp salt

*chill for 20 minutes and roll out.  Bake at 375 for 6-8 minutes.  Decorate with your favorite frostings, etc.   We mix powdered sugar with milk and add a bit of light corn syrup.....

sick in bed

not only has it been so long since i have blogged, but so long since i am this sick - quarantined to my bed.  watching cooking shows without an appetite, longing for chicken soup, someone to take care of me, no responsibilities, hoping for healing...soon!  I am struggling with my little friend productivity right now.  huh, i am not doing anything in bed...i can get things done, like blog.  I tried to knit but got stuck AGAIN and can't knit. this won't be very long but good to put my ideas down of my next entry.
My sweet elizabeth took pictures of my banana bread - would love to get that up, a week long entry of "what we ate for dinner this week"  I always love to know what people come up with for dinner.  the one question my sister xenia and i always talk about ;)
would love to get my farm to feast cooking days on here - but have yet to get the time, pictures uploaded, recipes written....got to be an easier way than what my mind is stuck on now.
here is to chicken soup in bed, yes - buttered toast and to feeling better.

A Big Pot of Something!

Recently I was reading "Where the Wild Things Are" to my bitty ones and I love the end where max comes *home* to a bowl of hot soup and a big slice of cake.  Comfort spilling out from the page ;)  It made me smile, made me long for that.
So, today is a rainy day, a day i feel like making a big pot of something - soup, stew, ghoulash - and a cake.  Yet, so far I have not succeeded in that (as well as not blogging in FOREVER.)  I have strained my neck and yelled like a crazy lady at my children.  After a bit of calm and cuddling on the couch with grace and hudson, cozy by the fire, watching a movie (ahhhh)...I rose up, put a pretty apron on and baked a pumpkin spice cake and it smells like warm cinnamon and thanksgiving.

  I have a few minutes before a fight breaks out in the other room over Zingo and I am sitting in luxury now with these quick moving minutes - writing, dreaming, being.  Here come the footsteps, it is all about to end. Nice being here.  Maybe the big pot of something will come tomorrow - big hopes.  AND no more crazy lady today - forgive me Lord!
*while this is not the best picture - it is a pretty darn good cake.  I was leary of the lemon in the glaze, but go with it - it ends up cutting the sweetness. I also think eggs at room temperature may make for a smoother, less curdled batter.

Spiced Pumpkin Cake
(Real Simple Magazine 11/10)
2 sticks butter at room temperature (plus more for the pan)
3 cups all purpose flour, spooned and leveled (plus more for the pan)
5 tsp pumpkin pie spice
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
3/4 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp kosher salt
1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
3 large eggs, at room temperature
1 15 oz can organic pumpkin puree
1/2 cup whole milk
1/4 cup molasses
1 1/4 cups confectioners' sugar
2 tbsp lemon juice

*heat oven to 350F.  Butter (or spray) and flour a 12 cup bundt pan.
*In a bowl, whisk flour, pumpkin pie spice, baking powder, baking soda, and salt.
*In the bowl of a kitchen aid or with electric mixer, beat butter and sugar on med high until fluffy (2-3 min).  Beat in eggs, one at a time.  Beat in pumpkin, milk, and molasses (may appear curdled at this point -it is ok - keep going).  Reduce the mixer to low and gradually add flour mixture - mix until combined - do not overmix.
*Pour batter into pan and bake until toothpick, bamboo stick, knife...comes out clean - about 55-65 minutes.  Let cool in pan for 30 minutes, then invert onto a wire rack to cool completely.
*In a bowl, whisk together the confectioners' sugar and lemon juice until smooth. If the glaze is too thick - add more lemon juice and/or water.  Drizzle over the cake. Let set before eating!